It is a rare occurrence, but sometimes a woman comes to her 4th decade and realizes that she hasn’t been in a serious, healthy long term relationship.
Not only that, sometimes she realizes that she has never really fallen in love and stayed in love.
What we will try to answer in this post is the following question: “is it bad to have never been in a long term relationship by the time you’re 40, and will that stop you from finding someone?”
Here is some food for thought for you to move forward if you are in this situation.
Looking at it from a certain perspective, it can be concerning to be 40 and have never been in a relationship.
Your emotional maturity in love may have been stunted
By that point in life, most people have already experienced emotional markers and connections that come from a place of actually being in love, and being in some kind of semi or real long term relationship.
If and when that emotional maturity has been stunted, you really have to relearn what you think you know about bonding with another human and move more consciously and don’t just go by your heart.
As someone who had a late start to dating, I can understand anyone who is in a position such as this.
I never dated in high school, I had a very strict upbringing. So I never have the opportunity to learn how to interact with guys like all my teenage peers. By the time I grew out of my teens, I had no idea what it meant to interact with a grown man (even though lots of them aren’t exactly “grown”)
I didn’t actually start dating until I was 22. At that time, I was innocent and naive in my ideals about love and relationships.
Men who gravitated towards me were men who were older and kind of took advantage of my naivety. So I had to learn hard and fast about the reality of the dating world. It’s not always nice.
3 Thing I recommend you do to get starting in dating and find genuine connection
Here are three things I recommend that you do in order to set yourself up with the right foundation to start dating and finding genuine connection with a man.
Step 1: Face your own inner issues around connection and bonding that allows you to get your head out of the clouds and be more grounded in your approach to men.
If you feel stuck in the perpetually single zone, it can we a wise idea to seek some therapy. There’s nothing wrong with that.
There may be some deep seated issues and reasons why you are where you are at that you may not have ever explored (but should have). The kind of issues and things that have gotten you where you are now.
And until you start dealing with and healing from those, the ability to really connect with a man will continue to be hampered.
Step 2: Drop any prince charming ideals of what you THINK your perfect guy should be.
Realize that your relative inexperience may have lead you to create unrealistic fantasies about how a man should be (these are usually fantasies that men could never fulfill, because every human is imperfect).
Step 3: Turn inward and learn to deeply know yourself as a woman.
Be comfortable with yourself, your capacity to love, know that you deserve to BE loved, and really connect with your sensuality and sexuality as a woman.
Not only that, know that these things about you are sacred. When you know how sacred they are, you may realize that you should only engage with men who fully respect that.
Hold off on casual sex…
If you have had any sexual relationships by this point outside of having a serious relationship, you should probably hold off on any casual sex until you truly feel you connect with a man emotionally. It makes a difference when you learn to have sexual encounters from a place of love vs just lust.
If you are in this situation yourself, if you are 40 or even in your mid to late 30s and have never been in a secure long term relationship, then perhaps these points are something to think about.
Being older is not the real problem. The problem lies in your ability to connect. If you can’t connect properly, or if you connect from a dysfunctional place, then it’s going to be hard to find yourself falling in love. Of course, it may also be hard to make a man fall in love with you, too.
If you are interested, here’s an article on the signs a man is falling in love. It may help you in the future to distinguish between a man who is just interested, rather than a man who is truly emotionally bonding with you.