healing from breakup

Healing from old patterns & my breakup

100 days of moving on is my journey to healing after a repeated break up with one guy. I was afraid that the pain and self pity this situation caused me will dull the light inside me thus the birth of this personal project. So I went to writing to endure the daily pain of my situation and realized a lot of things. Some of it I’d like to share with you…

100 Days Are Over And I Wanted To Share With You My Thoughts About This Enriching Life Experience… 

There are some filthy words, just beware… I don’t usually censor my language with adults.

So what happened was, we’ve broken up, made up and got back together – happy for a day and feeling miserable for an entire month then the break ups came… this happened for many times only to end up and prove to my self that he is not the one… and maybe that was it for him too.

Maybe he put up a fight too to prove to himself that I am the one until he found a better, more compelling reason not to want to be with me anymore. Maybe he did love me… I’d like to believe that because I refuse to believe that he just used me, although that’s what I really feel about the whole routine. Or maybe that is the reality…  I am just one of the boxes he ticked off twice after the last break up. Another contribution to boost his ego. If it’s the latter, I’m more than happy to contribute to what he only have.

I didn’t know how to deal with a break up furthermore prepare for it. Before and after my husband, I didn’t have any other boyfriend… I dated, but I was so drunk to choose to be with this guy. This could be the reason why all of the break ups was challenging to me, it took me 8 months to move on and be okay after the second break up and when I got OK (as I thought), I realized I still haven’t gotten over him. This I found out because I still chose to be with him when he asked me back.

My fear then was that I might be passing on a guy with a potential. How silly! (until he ghosted me…)

A break up is painful enough and there may never be a subtle or less painful way to tell someone that you don’t like to be with them anymore. Sometimes, I genuinely thank his honesty… however honesty can be a cruel too. To be told that you are no longer attractive after wooing you to get back together is just baffling. First, that’s a shallow reason to be with someone and second, consider your fucking dirty face and cruel personality before telling someone that.

This last break up was difficult and I battled through it days and weeks just to be okay and productive at work and be present with my daughter. I can’t focus, just like before. But my recovery time was shorter. I already had an idea how it goes, perhaps that was the difference.

I was broken, cracked all over… but maybe it takes us to be broken to finally be enlightened.

100 days have passed and I am over those crying, loneliness and the questions of “why?” I have resolved to not finding an answer. Whatever his reasons maybe, whatever his motivations and intentions where, it will not make sense in my happy, beautiful and purposeful life now.

It wasn’t easy moving on. First, I have to face what break up made me feel and resolve those in myself…  and by myself. I felt I wasn’t attractive enough to make a guy stay, after all that was his main reason. I felt inadequate for the longest in my life. Second, I felt I don’t have the right to want a relationship because I need to focus on being a mom. He told me that too, his ill advice to his ex.

I have to spend time and effort to be able to jump through these hurdles of self doubt, lack of confidence through recovery. I read books, articles, open up to friends and even people I just met, spoke to relationship experts online and watched heaps of movies just to get through a day full of sorrow.

This might be just a break up to you, but there is more to this than just a boy breaking a girl’s heart. He said things, made guarantees and verbally abused me. Hmmm, isn’t this always the case why break ups are painful? And could this be the reason why even after a long time, just a mention of his name your heart pounds, not because you miss him or have not moved on but because you are reminded of the pain he caused?

I don’t know with the rest of the people in the world but when I get into a relationship – romantic, friendship,whatever – I make it a big deal in my life. My relationships are everything I have.

But this experience also made me more understanding towards other people who are going through some relationship issues. After having a first hand experience how it is to love and be dumped, I find that I can relate even better to these people. It is truly an enriching experience for me.

So What Did I Learn After 100 Days?

To be able to get through a break up, one must accept the fact that the relationship is over. But your life isn’t. So whether you’re ready or not, cut off all communications with your ex. If you have common friends you’re not really close with, it’s better to remove them from any social media too. What was said and done was said and done. No more apologies, no more long talks and giving clues on what each other feels. There’s just no use for that after what happened. We owe it to ourselves to let go and this is the first step.

When relationship ends, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to unlove the person, at least not immediately. Unloving is painful, and that makes break up extremely painful than how it already is so let yourself love your ex. One day, you’ll just not care about him like how you used to. The thing is I believe that love doesn’t die, nor fade because it’s in its ultimate and pure form that’s why it wont break – just like an atom. But loving or missing a person doesn’t mean you gotta be with them.

Be vulnerable. Allow yourself all the emotions you feel during this grieving period. Cry if you feel like releasing your anger, loneliness, longing into tears… go boxing or dance it away! If you don’t have space, go grab a sad movie to cry along with. When I was still in the relationship, I thought what I was doing was genuine vulnerability and showing this guy loyalty after all the times he broke my heart.

I now understand that I wasn’t… I was just weak and scared and I let him do the things and say the things he did to me just for him to stay with me. A bad bad compromise. Maybe I settled for that relationship because I wasn’t sure what I am worthy of… and what my worth is clearer to me now.

Liberate yourself by forgiving. I know this is a cliche but this is the very essence of moving on. Don’t allow yourself to be enslaved by the anger, resentment, self pity and what ifs by a person’s presence in your life who doesn’t contribute positive and rewarding emotions to you. This may take time, but you have to forgive somehow.

Other people told me that the reason why my heart still pounds is because I haven’t moved on yet. Maybe that’s true earlier in this process but I’ve found that this is not always the case. I believe, my heart pounds because I am reminded how badly he made me feel. In fact, Maya Angelou once said: I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Be grateful for what you have, right now, at this moment. Gratitude is the key to be happy on a daily basis. This is also what I did to see the good in my life day to day and not linger in what I don’t have. Can be difficult and maybe sad in few days when you start counting blessings because you will still be in a grieving mode, but you’ll get used to it and one day it’ll become a habit that will become natural to you.

Moving on is a choice. It is your choice to be better. I have been enslaved by negative emotions because I was in denial for quite sometime.. I don’t want the relationship to end because I have the energy and love to fight for it. But after learning that its not the kind of relationship I want for myself, I surrendered and took massive action to move on, let go and be happy.

Another cliche here, fall in love with yourself. The reason why it took me double the time to move on is because I loved him more that I loved myself. I forgot about my standards, I forgot my values, what I want in a relationship and I forgot about compromise. I let him make me feel bad about not being enough for him. This goes beyond physically falling inlove with yourself. It’s more about what you feel about yourself, being YOU in your core. I didn’t know what happened but I just kept on doing the things that made me feel productive.

Productivity makes me feel happy because it gives me the sense that I am effective in my purpose as a woman, as a person, as a momma. So aside from my regular work with David and Renee I got myself more involved with my daughter, my sister’s lives, my friends from different circles, I traveled, went shopping for heaps of clothes and even make ups (didn’t think I’ll develop appreciation for cosmetics), reconnected with old friends, became more active in learning new skills, attended yoga regularly, and organized some events that helped other people.

Not because one relationship didn’t work for you, doesn’t mean your future relationships won’t. The timing is just not right. I believe now, more than ever, to right timing. There’s a season for everything. As Bro Audee told me, “God wants you to be happy whether as a single mother or as a wife. There are seasons in our lives – planting, waiting, harvesting, and you have to determine what season you are in right now and start from there.” So I am both happily planting and waiting right now.

Take your time but layout a timeline. It takes time and you have to be patient, be patient with yourself, especially when you are still grieving. Different people cope differently so don’t take it personally when you open up to someone and they tell you “move on already”. I’ve been told this many times. I just want to mention this. They might be going through something too or maybe you really have to move on.

Have a vision of how you want to be the day you’ll say “I finally moved on”… Envision everything. How you dress,  how you look and how you feel about yourself, about the uncertain future, about your life at that moment most especially. I’d like to say that I love where I am now, with all the people I have in my life and the quality of my relationships with everyone – this makes my life truly rich.

Final Words…

Everything that happened in our lives has a purpose, and there’s a bigger picture which each moment would fit in. It may not make sense now, and kinda looks like failure but soon enough, when you’ve finally open up your heart to something better than what you were ready to settle for in your past relationship, things will start to get better for you. This is what I hope for myself too.

And having this experience in my life made me more understanding about relationships. Relationships end for many reasons and however we would want it to last forever, we can’t just tell. There are just things we can’t control, and love is not enough to make a man stay. And my ex was also someone like me, he was just looking for someone right in his life. That may not necessarily mean that we are wrong for each other. We just aren’t fit for each other. Although, I wanted to be that woman to support him, grow with him, I never felt that it was what he wanted.

And I know I should have listened to my gut the first time I noticed that, which was years ago. I wish him well and that I wish one day he will be happy whatever happiness means for him. I found my peace in not knowing what I am to him, what our relationship was for him – serious, a game whatever; in some aspect in life ignorance is a bliss.

What is important for me right now is what I feel about myself. Having that certainty of where I want to end up at, knowing the feeling and emotion I am swarching for with a man, gives me hope that soon or one day I’ll have it. I have finally put an end to hoping that there can be a future for me and my ex, not even in another life or universe. This experience also made me realize that there are so many men out there who are looking for the kind of woman that I am. There is hope. And I am not bitter about being single. Renee told me, “You may not have a man right now and that is okay. And that may take time before you meet that man and that is OKAY.”

My future is not certain. I don’t want it to be too. Because the moment I know what is waiting for me there, or who is waiting for me there, I won’t be getting up in bed and just sleep through the future.  Again, my future is uncertain. And I don’t know whether I’ll meet that man tomorrow or not ever. I don’t know this now. And I don’t want to know yet… I’ll let it unfold in the RIGHT TIME and I’ll be LIVING OPENLY now…

Honestly, I’m sure that there is that desire in me to build a family of my own – Aianah, me and her step father/my husband. Imagining how great he is gonna be excites me but I feel that this isn’t the time yet. There are a lot more things I want to happen in my life and I really enjoy the freedom and vast possibilities that I have now, in this moment now, with the people I love. When that day comes though, I know that I will only have so much love for him… and we’ll have our own version of happy ever after.

If you are going through a challenging break up, don’t linger too long. Put effort and work to reach whatever goal you have in getting better. It is not easy and I definitely understand what you feel at this moment. That will pass though, just let the light in and you shall be okay. Know your worth, and you are worthy of love not less than the love you give yourself.

We don’t have control in how people will treat us but we alone have the power to alter the situation and make it work to our own advantage.

In our journey in finding our lifetime partner, we will find what we like and what we don’t like. Heartbreaks are necessary for us to learn and become an even more beautiful person. Don’t let pain ruin the light in you… embrace it because pain adds depth in a person’s character.

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