How to deal with rejection?

How can you come to terms with being rejected?

Either way you look at it, if you like the person, then them rejecting you hurts a little bit.

When it comes to dealing with the painful feeling of being rejected, what you need to keep in mind is that it’s your mindset that makes all the difference.

This is a mindset that has helped me move past rejection in the past.

“Sometimes you gotta get past the bee’s to get to the honey.”

Not only that, but try to remember that rejection is redirection! most of the time it has zero to do with you. It’s their loss.

Changing your mindset around rejection

It’ll require a lot of work to change your thinking, but it’s definitely worth it, and you’ll probably start feeling less out of control early in the process.

You feel pain from rejection because you’re looking for your value in other people’s opinions of you.

You have to look deep within yourself and recognize your own value yourself, which feels impossible at first.

It helps to start by imagining yourself as a little girl you and seeing her value.

Perhaps look back on your own past memories of feeling rejected as a child, and work out if those past experiences are crippling your ability to deal with rejection today.

Perhaps you associate rejection with a deep fear of abandonment. If that’s the case, you will need to focus on processing the bad things that happened to you in your childhood. You’ll need to grieve them and move on from that, or else you’ll never fully be able to deal with rejection.

Without this kind of healing from past experiences, it’s almost impossible to grow!

There’s a lot of info out there. Anything from cultivating self love to having unbreakable confidence as a woman.

Self love feels foreign and impossible at first but it’s the only road to emotional freedom.

And remember, you have to love the parts of yourself you’re ashamed of and want to change. We’re all human and we’re all flawed.

So, no matter what you do, be the person who is your own best friend. Be kind to yourself.

Do you fall for everyone you meet? Why?

Think of it this way. We don’t all fall for every guy we meet, right?

In fact, you probably don’t fall for most guys you meet. It’s the same for them.

Accept it and move on. Don’t feel bad about it. It’s just the natural selection process at work. 

Think of it like trying on clothes. You took it in the dressing room because you liked it. But it doesn’t fit you right or the style doesn’t suit you.

So you try on something else. You aren’t rejecting the clothes!

You only have limited resources so you want to spend them on clothes that fit and flatter you and suit your style.

Now think of yourself as the clothes that may not have worked on that one person – BUT that someone else will love!

Would you ever want to be with someone who doesn’t love you back?

Ask yourself, would I ever want to be with someone who doesn’t want me back?

Obviously, the answer is no. It’s better to find out before you build something with someone.

If the person who has rejected you has been honest with you, then try to appreciate their honesty and just let people have their own opinions, which don’t involve you.

Here’s why rejection is so painful…

Back in hunter gatherer days when our brain evolved, rejection = loss of allies = possible exile from the tribe = starvation.

So we evolved to panic! But that’s probably not true for the majority of us going through rejection these days!

Your people will still care about you, your fridge will still have food and the sun will still rise in spite of whatever rejection your brain is currently having a conniption about.

Yes, your feelings are valid. Yes, you should feel them in all their marvellous, messy, painful glory.

But at some point we also need to give our prima donna brain/ego a stern talking to.

About what? About overreaction to essentially meaningless actions, taken by other people – for their own reasons!

Feel your feelings, but don’t dwell on them

As mentioned above, you should acknowledge your feelings in all their painful glory.

But eventually, it comes to a point where dwelling on the rejection becomes more of a pattern and an addiction than it is about feeling your feelings in order to be able to move on.

At some point when you’re ready, you just have to tell yourself to not give this “brake-pumper” anymore of your time, thoughts, or attention. Just because this guy doesn’t want a relationship with you, doesn’t mean that the right guy won’t!

Instead, focus on y-o-u.

Apparently this was one of those relationships for a season…and that’s okay. Move on.

The sea is full of guys who want to treat you right.

Hopefully soon you will realize God spared you and was actually looking out for your best interest.

What is Attunement & How it Helps You Meet “The One”

A lot of people ask: “what is attunement?”

The official definition of attunement is: “to bring into harmony. To make aware or responsive.”

A lot of people are talking about attunement in dating and how it’s helpful to use it with men to find the right man.

The real reason why attunement is valuable is that it allows you to connect and be in harmony with your own feelings as well as then being in attunement (as much as possible) with the man.

When you’re attuned, you get him. You understand where he’s coming from.

But before you attune to anyone else, you have to first be able to attune to yourself. If you don’t do that, then you can’t grow in awareness enough to attune to someone outside of you!

The rule is that if you want to connect with others, you have to first not abandon yourself. Attune to YOU first.

Here is a therapist’s view on the art of attunement and how it can help people transform.

What attunement for a woman looks like

Attunement is learning how your body and emotions respond to things.

Attunement is like when someone asks another how they knew they had found “The One” and they say “I just knew”. It’s learning to trust that inner knowing.

Attunement, first and foremost, has more to do with learning about yourself than it is about the guys. So say for example some guy flakes on your pre-planned date, and for some reason this “rubs” you the wrong way.

Attunement would have you know why it rubbed you the wrong way, and whether or not you’d care to pursue someone who makes you feel this way.

Knowing when someone rubs you the wrong way

There was a man I once knew and dated. The best way to sum him is a whole lot of thoughts saying: “he’s nice… but…”.

BUT. He hated my line of work and ridiculed my colleagues (he was a far leftist who was anti-law enforcement and I work in security).

Yet he’s always harping on people who eat meat (vegan). I was always feeling “but this and but that”.

And so I stopped and asked myself, did I want to be with someone who made me feel so…tuck or wrong?

The answer was no. So I cut him off, and I never looked back. And less than 2 months later, I found the love of my life.

Now obviously it’s not a formula, and it’s not a “use these three banter tricks and you’ll for sure find the man in a year” but they are tools for the woman who wants to learn to attune herself so that she can find ‘the one’.

Attune to yourself first, and attuning to another’s energy will become much easier.

Expect attunement to be messy at first

Another thing you should know about attunement…

It’s going to look messy and all over the place. You’re going to feel bad, because you will make mistakes along the way. You will find yourself in positions you haven’t been in before.

As you practice more, you will know when to do and say what.

When it comes to dating online and attuning yourself through text messages with men, as you practice bantering with them, you’ll learn.

You’ll makes mistakes, but you’ll learn when to relax a little and chat, and when to be more playful.

You’ll get to feel what the right thing to do is in the moment because of all this experience you built up through your everyday practice!

So. Keep going. Keep practicing attuning to your own feelings, rather than ignoring them.

Become more aware of how your body is responding to the things you do to it (or for it). Investigate how your body responds to men. And then, when you feel you’re ready, it’s then time to attune to where men are.

The rule is, the more attuned you are, the better you are able to reject toxic men, and invite in a healthy relationship with the right man. In other words, you’ll get closer to finding “the one”.

Don’t text him… don’t call him.

Don’t text him.

Don’t call him.

Don’t email him.

Don’t even move (your body language says it all).

In fact, just don’t do anything at all.

I’ve found that your mindset is the most important determinant of the results you get from your actions. Think about it. Have you thought about how bad you feel when you text him, and get no response, then if you act from that desperate mindset, you get an even more horrible result?

Have you noticed how when you pressure a man to marry you or to do anything, he responds negatively, because you are acting from an equally negative, lack mindset (you lack his commitment)?

What Is Your Mindset Right Now?

Your mindset is either positive or negative, at any point in time. Actions taken from negative mindsets get negative results. Actions taken from positive mindsets get positive results.

All positive mindsets come from one of abundance.

  • Creativity
  • Limitless possibility
  • Abundant resources
  • Tolerance
  • Wisdom
  • Understanding
  • New orientation
  • Gratefulness
  • Love
  • Acceptance

All negative mindsets come from one of lack.

  • Desperation (you feel you lack love, attention, etc)
  • Hostility (you feel you lack significance)
  • Jealousy (you feel you lack love, significance)
  • Materialism (you feel you lack significance)
  • Intolerance (you feel you lack connection)
  • Self-importance (you feel you lack significance)
  • Anger (you feel you lack significance, or certainty)
  • Blame

These are big red flags.

I’m a banker, a finance nerd. When we learn financial modeling, one of the first things they teach you is “GARBAGE IN = GARBAGE OUT.” What you put in you get out. You put in crap numbers, you get a crap valuation. So you better make sure your inputs are of high quality.

Bankers check and verify their information. They need to be diligent and precise. Are you diligent and precise in checking your mindset? Be ruthless with assessing your mindset. Never take any action, especially when it comes to your intimate relationship, from a negative mindset, or one of lack.

When it comes to your career, the advice is the same: Stop doing any project when you are in a negative mindset. Why? Because your work will end up being mediocre. You cannot access your best creative resources when you are in a lack mindset.

You need to come from a resourceful mindset in order to produce your best work. Most people put out average work. Do you want to be average? Or do you want to be your best, at your most resourceful? To do this, you need to make sure that every action you take comes from a positive, resourceful mindset. And you will be able to access creative ideas you never dreamed of.

How To Change Your Mindset

So you may ask… the world doesn’t stop turning when I am in a negative mindset. Sometimes my husband or boyfriend is RIGHT THERE when I’m so ANGRY because we live together. Or I feel really desperate to get him to propose; I can’t stop thinking about it. What do I do???

There are many ways to change your mindset. One of the fastest ways to do so is through music. One of my favorite shows as a college student was Ally McBeal. In it, Ally’s therapist tells her to get a theme song: A peppy song you can relate to that gets you in a high energy mood. As crazy as it sounds…. It’s not exactly bad advice.

Every time you hear this theme song, it ANCHORS the feeling of high energy, confidence, and resourcefulness, or whatever you want to associate with it, which is positive. But it has to be high energy. Pick one now, and play it whenever you want to instantly change your mindset.

Some other ways to change your mindset:

  • Exercise.
  • Get out into nature, or at least the sunlight.
  • Read something that inspires you.
  • Change your physical position. If you’re standing up, lie down. If you’re sitting, do a handstand or other inversion. If you are lying down, get up.
  • Drink a glass of water (works amazingly well when you are angry to change your state).
  • Watch a funny video.
  • Go out with a friend.
  • Treat yourself to something you don’t normally do.
  • Take a shower.
  • Practice an NLP technique to change mindset. (you can google this)
  • Many, many more.

Here’s another good way to change your mindset: Start giving. Give your time, your knowledge, your love, your energy, your creativity, your material things, and your money, anything you have. And when you give to others, you take the focus off of yourself, putting you in a more resourceful state.

What If My Negative Mindset Makes Me Feel GOOD?

You’ll hold onto a negative mindset longer if it gives you pleasure. You may ask…. But it feels so GOOD to complain to my friend about my horrible boyfriend. My boyfriend just does not care. Let me suggest to you that it only feels good because you feel less important, less significant to him, and you want to get that back somehow?

I’ve found that complaining does not solve the problem; this negative mindset just sets you up for further bad results down the road.

Have you considered it from a different angle? What other reason other than he does not care could be responsible for him doing a certain action? What other things has he done for you that show you that he cares?

When you do this, you come from a positive mindset, one of UNDERSTANDING, TOLERANCE and GRATEFULNESS. You have created a NEW ORIENTATION.

In the movie “Bridget Jones Diary – The Edge of Reason” Bridget is in a Thai prison, telling the girls that she broke up with her boyfriend for “being an asshole”. The girls all agreed with her, one saying:

“Don’t tell me. My boyfriend, he seem really nice. Then he start to hit me. Make me work on street.”

The other says: “My boyfriend, he say he love me. But he do no work, and make me work 24 hour a day. Then he make me take heroin drug. What about you, Bijjit? What your bad boyfriend do?”

Suddenly her reason for being angry – he didn’t stick up for her at the law dinner – didn’t have the same impact.

Your Mindset Dictates Your Future

Your mindset is probably the single most important indicator of how your life as will play out from this point forward. Watch this scene from the 2008 movie (you can tell by the phones used) Sex & the City. Looking at it from an observer’s point of view, you can see that Big’s mindset is neutral to negative (insecure) while Carrie’s suddenly becomes very negative (belligerent).

Imagine if when Big turned the car around, and they met in the street, Carrie’s mindset towards him was positive – with understanding, tolerance, gratefulness, love – instead of her negative mindset of intolerance, anger and blame. What would be the new outcome then?

Don’t fall into the trap of continuing a negative mindset if your friends support it. Misery loves company.Even society might encourage it and make it seem like you are entitled to certain things, things that might pull your relationship apart.

In the video above, you see Carrie’s negative actions supported by friends and society (if a man doesn’t show up to the wedding at the right time, he’s always going to be the bad guy). But is it really the most useful thing for personal growth and for your relationship?

Conclusion

One of the biggest secrets to having a great relationship is making sure every action you take pertaining to the relationship is one done from a positive mindset. Resourceful thinking produces resourceful actions, which produce positive results.

Whenever you feel bad about your man, try to find the thought that produced the feeling. And assess whether it is a productive, resourceful or empowering thought for you, or is it angry, limiting and showing lack? Then change your mindset to one that is more helpful to you. You can do so via the tips I suggested above.

The more you practice holding a positive mindset, the more it becomes a habit, and the sooner you will see positive changes in your relationship.

Why does it benefit you to do this? When you associate the pleasure you receive from acting from a positive mindset (advancing your relationship) and the pain you receive from acting from desperation (causing your relationship to retract or even die), then you will see the value having a positive mindset will have in all aspects of your life.

Garbage In, Garbage Out.

Healing from old patterns & my breakup

100 days of moving on is my journey to healing after a repeated break up with one guy. I was afraid that the pain and self pity this situation caused me will dull the light inside me thus the birth of this personal project. So I went to writing to endure the daily pain of my situation and realized a lot of things. Some of it I’d like to share with you…

100 Days Are Over And I Wanted To Share With You My Thoughts About This Enriching Life Experience… 

There are some filthy words, just beware… I don’t usually censor my language with adults.

So what happened was, we’ve broken up, made up and got back together – happy for a day and feeling miserable for an entire month then the break ups came… this happened for many times only to end up and prove to my self that he is not the one… and maybe that was it for him too.

Maybe he put up a fight too to prove to himself that I am the one until he found a better, more compelling reason not to want to be with me anymore. Maybe he did love me… I’d like to believe that because I refuse to believe that he just used me, although that’s what I really feel about the whole routine. Or maybe that is the reality…  I am just one of the boxes he ticked off twice after the last break up. Another contribution to boost his ego. If it’s the latter, I’m more than happy to contribute to what he only have.

I didn’t know how to deal with a break up furthermore prepare for it. Before and after my husband, I didn’t have any other boyfriend… I dated, but I was so drunk to choose to be with this guy. This could be the reason why all of the break ups was challenging to me, it took me 8 months to move on and be okay after the second break up and when I got OK (as I thought), I realized I still haven’t gotten over him. This I found out because I still chose to be with him when he asked me back.

My fear then was that I might be passing on a guy with a potential. How silly! (until he ghosted me…)

A break up is painful enough and there may never be a subtle or less painful way to tell someone that you don’t like to be with them anymore. Sometimes, I genuinely thank his honesty… however honesty can be a cruel too. To be told that you are no longer attractive after wooing you to get back together is just baffling. First, that’s a shallow reason to be with someone and second, consider your fucking dirty face and cruel personality before telling someone that.

This last break up was difficult and I battled through it days and weeks just to be okay and productive at work and be present with my daughter. I can’t focus, just like before. But my recovery time was shorter. I already had an idea how it goes, perhaps that was the difference.

I was broken, cracked all over… but maybe it takes us to be broken to finally be enlightened.

100 days have passed and I am over those crying, loneliness and the questions of “why?” I have resolved to not finding an answer. Whatever his reasons maybe, whatever his motivations and intentions where, it will not make sense in my happy, beautiful and purposeful life now.

It wasn’t easy moving on. First, I have to face what break up made me feel and resolve those in myself…  and by myself. I felt I wasn’t attractive enough to make a guy stay, after all that was his main reason. I felt inadequate for the longest in my life. Second, I felt I don’t have the right to want a relationship because I need to focus on being a mom. He told me that too, his ill advice to his ex.

I have to spend time and effort to be able to jump through these hurdles of self doubt, lack of confidence through recovery. I read books, articles, open up to friends and even people I just met, spoke to relationship experts online and watched heaps of movies just to get through a day full of sorrow.

This might be just a break up to you, but there is more to this than just a boy breaking a girl’s heart. He said things, made guarantees and verbally abused me. Hmmm, isn’t this always the case why break ups are painful? And could this be the reason why even after a long time, just a mention of his name your heart pounds, not because you miss him or have not moved on but because you are reminded of the pain he caused?

I don’t know with the rest of the people in the world but when I get into a relationship – romantic, friendship,whatever – I make it a big deal in my life. My relationships are everything I have.

But this experience also made me more understanding towards other people who are going through some relationship issues. After having a first hand experience how it is to love and be dumped, I find that I can relate even better to these people. It is truly an enriching experience for me.

So What Did I Learn After 100 Days?

To be able to get through a break up, one must accept the fact that the relationship is over. But your life isn’t. So whether you’re ready or not, cut off all communications with your ex. If you have common friends you’re not really close with, it’s better to remove them from any social media too. What was said and done was said and done. No more apologies, no more long talks and giving clues on what each other feels. There’s just no use for that after what happened. We owe it to ourselves to let go and this is the first step.

When relationship ends, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to unlove the person, at least not immediately. Unloving is painful, and that makes break up extremely painful than how it already is so let yourself love your ex. One day, you’ll just not care about him like how you used to. The thing is I believe that love doesn’t die, nor fade because it’s in its ultimate and pure form that’s why it wont break – just like an atom. But loving or missing a person doesn’t mean you gotta be with them.

Be vulnerable. Allow yourself all the emotions you feel during this grieving period. Cry if you feel like releasing your anger, loneliness, longing into tears… go boxing or dance it away! If you don’t have space, go grab a sad movie to cry along with. When I was still in the relationship, I thought what I was doing was genuine vulnerability and showing this guy loyalty after all the times he broke my heart.

I now understand that I wasn’t… I was just weak and scared and I let him do the things and say the things he did to me just for him to stay with me. A bad bad compromise. Maybe I settled for that relationship because I wasn’t sure what I am worthy of… and what my worth is clearer to me now.

Liberate yourself by forgiving. I know this is a cliche but this is the very essence of moving on. Don’t allow yourself to be enslaved by the anger, resentment, self pity and what ifs by a person’s presence in your life who doesn’t contribute positive and rewarding emotions to you. This may take time, but you have to forgive somehow.

Other people told me that the reason why my heart still pounds is because I haven’t moved on yet. Maybe that’s true earlier in this process but I’ve found that this is not always the case. I believe, my heart pounds because I am reminded how badly he made me feel. In fact, Maya Angelou once said: I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Be grateful for what you have, right now, at this moment. Gratitude is the key to be happy on a daily basis. This is also what I did to see the good in my life day to day and not linger in what I don’t have. Can be difficult and maybe sad in few days when you start counting blessings because you will still be in a grieving mode, but you’ll get used to it and one day it’ll become a habit that will become natural to you.

Moving on is a choice. It is your choice to be better. I have been enslaved by negative emotions because I was in denial for quite sometime.. I don’t want the relationship to end because I have the energy and love to fight for it. But after learning that its not the kind of relationship I want for myself, I surrendered and took massive action to move on, let go and be happy.

Another cliche here, fall in love with yourself. The reason why it took me double the time to move on is because I loved him more that I loved myself. I forgot about my standards, I forgot my values, what I want in a relationship and I forgot about compromise. I let him make me feel bad about not being enough for him. This goes beyond physically falling inlove with yourself. It’s more about what you feel about yourself, being YOU in your core. I didn’t know what happened but I just kept on doing the things that made me feel productive.

Productivity makes me feel happy because it gives me the sense that I am effective in my purpose as a woman, as a person, as a momma. So aside from my regular work with David and Renee I got myself more involved with my daughter, my sister’s lives, my friends from different circles, I traveled, went shopping for heaps of clothes and even make ups (didn’t think I’ll develop appreciation for cosmetics), reconnected with old friends, became more active in learning new skills, attended yoga regularly, and organized some events that helped other people.

Not because one relationship didn’t work for you, doesn’t mean your future relationships won’t. The timing is just not right. I believe now, more than ever, to right timing. There’s a season for everything. As Bro Audee told me, “God wants you to be happy whether as a single mother or as a wife. There are seasons in our lives – planting, waiting, harvesting, and you have to determine what season you are in right now and start from there.” So I am both happily planting and waiting right now.

Take your time but layout a timeline. It takes time and you have to be patient, be patient with yourself, especially when you are still grieving. Different people cope differently so don’t take it personally when you open up to someone and they tell you “move on already”. I’ve been told this many times. I just want to mention this. They might be going through something too or maybe you really have to move on.

Have a vision of how you want to be the day you’ll say “I finally moved on”… Envision everything. How you dress,  how you look and how you feel about yourself, about the uncertain future, about your life at that moment most especially. I’d like to say that I love where I am now, with all the people I have in my life and the quality of my relationships with everyone – this makes my life truly rich.

Final Words…

Everything that happened in our lives has a purpose, and there’s a bigger picture which each moment would fit in. It may not make sense now, and kinda looks like failure but soon enough, when you’ve finally open up your heart to something better than what you were ready to settle for in your past relationship, things will start to get better for you. This is what I hope for myself too.

And having this experience in my life made me more understanding about relationships. Relationships end for many reasons and however we would want it to last forever, we can’t just tell. There are just things we can’t control, and love is not enough to make a man stay. And my ex was also someone like me, he was just looking for someone right in his life. That may not necessarily mean that we are wrong for each other. We just aren’t fit for each other. Although, I wanted to be that woman to support him, grow with him, I never felt that it was what he wanted.

And I know I should have listened to my gut the first time I noticed that, which was years ago. I wish him well and that I wish one day he will be happy whatever happiness means for him. I found my peace in not knowing what I am to him, what our relationship was for him – serious, a game whatever; in some aspect in life ignorance is a bliss.

What is important for me right now is what I feel about myself. Having that certainty of where I want to end up at, knowing the feeling and emotion I am swarching for with a man, gives me hope that soon or one day I’ll have it. I have finally put an end to hoping that there can be a future for me and my ex, not even in another life or universe. This experience also made me realize that there are so many men out there who are looking for the kind of woman that I am. There is hope. And I am not bitter about being single. Renee told me, “You may not have a man right now and that is okay. And that may take time before you meet that man and that is OKAY.”

My future is not certain. I don’t want it to be too. Because the moment I know what is waiting for me there, or who is waiting for me there, I won’t be getting up in bed and just sleep through the future.  Again, my future is uncertain. And I don’t know whether I’ll meet that man tomorrow or not ever. I don’t know this now. And I don’t want to know yet… I’ll let it unfold in the RIGHT TIME and I’ll be LIVING OPENLY now…

Honestly, I’m sure that there is that desire in me to build a family of my own – Aianah, me and her step father/my husband. Imagining how great he is gonna be excites me but I feel that this isn’t the time yet. There are a lot more things I want to happen in my life and I really enjoy the freedom and vast possibilities that I have now, in this moment now, with the people I love. When that day comes though, I know that I will only have so much love for him… and we’ll have our own version of happy ever after.

If you are going through a challenging break up, don’t linger too long. Put effort and work to reach whatever goal you have in getting better. It is not easy and I definitely understand what you feel at this moment. That will pass though, just let the light in and you shall be okay. Know your worth, and you are worthy of love not less than the love you give yourself.

We don’t have control in how people will treat us but we alone have the power to alter the situation and make it work to our own advantage.

In our journey in finding our lifetime partner, we will find what we like and what we don’t like. Heartbreaks are necessary for us to learn and become an even more beautiful person. Don’t let pain ruin the light in you… embrace it because pain adds depth in a person’s character.

12 Online Dating Red Flags To Look Out For

Online dating apps are a haven for scammers, f*ckboys, adulterous and narcissists. It’s imperative that you are aware of some of the most common online dating red flags, so that you don’t fall for scams or become involved with the wrong men!

Here are some common online dating red flags that you may want to pay attention to:

  1. Men telling you exactly what they think “chicks dig” too soon. For example, if they come on too strong and profess undying love, exclusivity, a committed relationship, a long term future, having babies and children, describing and talking about weddings, etc. You need to watch out.
  1. Love bombing (he is a scammer, narcissist or a stalker)

    This is one I find that women tend to fall for a lot. Especially during this time of covid. When a woman is feeling lonely or desperate, she is much more likely to fall for this online dating red flag, so you have to be extra careful and look out for signs that this may be happening to you. Here’s some more information on love bombing.
  2. If they tell you early on that they have “deleted my profile to focus only on you” when they barely know you. Often, men like this online are scammers, f*ckboys, or even stalkers.
  3. You receive messages from them at weird times throughout the day. This can mean that he is in a totally different timezone to you, and could very well be a scammer from a country far across the world.
  4. If you start talking to a man and he goes off the radar for some time without warning, and when he comes back he uses the following excuses about himself: that he is a pilots, an oil rig worker, in the military, is billionaire businessman. (These are common explanations that scammers use to justify and explain away their strange absences.)
  1. If he is not available on evenings and weekends. This one is pretty obvious. It likely means that he is already married and trying to hide it from you so he can “get some on the side”.
  1. He claims to be a particular ethnicity, however when you check Facebook, all his friends locations indicate a very different location.
  2. He has outstanding arrest warrants – in the US, these are public records.
  3. If he very quickly explains that he just moved here or lost his job and asks if he can crash at your place. This is a bad one, as he probably just wants to leech off you.
  1. From early on, he appears to be a gift sender. Often, this can mean that he just wants your address and eventually will want or ask for a bank account number. This is typical behavior of an online daring scammer.
  1. If he never takes you to his place. (Obviously this can mean that he is already married.)
  2. If you try to search his facebook and find that his pics from recent times (ie: last week perhaps), show him with a wife or a girlfriend, though he claims that he’s single.

Those are the 12 biggest and most common online dating red flags. Do you have any to add to this list? Share them in the comments below!