How to deal with rejection?

How can you come to terms with being rejected?

Either way you look at it, if you like the person, then them rejecting you hurts a little bit.

When it comes to dealing with the painful feeling of being rejected, what you need to keep in mind is that it’s your mindset that makes all the difference.

This is a mindset that has helped me move past rejection in the past.

“Sometimes you gotta get past the bee’s to get to the honey.”

Not only that, but try to remember that rejection is redirection! most of the time it has zero to do with you. It’s their loss.

Changing your mindset around rejection

It’ll require a lot of work to change your thinking, but it’s definitely worth it, and you’ll probably start feeling less out of control early in the process.

You feel pain from rejection because you’re looking for your value in other people’s opinions of you.

You have to look deep within yourself and recognize your own value yourself, which feels impossible at first.

It helps to start by imagining yourself as a little girl you and seeing her value.

Perhaps look back on your own past memories of feeling rejected as a child, and work out if those past experiences are crippling your ability to deal with rejection today.

Perhaps you associate rejection with a deep fear of abandonment. If that’s the case, you will need to focus on processing the bad things that happened to you in your childhood. You’ll need to grieve them and move on from that, or else you’ll never fully be able to deal with rejection.

Without this kind of healing from past experiences, it’s almost impossible to grow!

There’s a lot of info out there. Anything from cultivating self love to having unbreakable confidence as a woman.

Self love feels foreign and impossible at first but it’s the only road to emotional freedom.

And remember, you have to love the parts of yourself you’re ashamed of and want to change. We’re all human and we’re all flawed.

So, no matter what you do, be the person who is your own best friend. Be kind to yourself.

Do you fall for everyone you meet? Why?

Think of it this way. We don’t all fall for every guy we meet, right?

In fact, you probably don’t fall for most guys you meet. It’s the same for them.

Accept it and move on. Don’t feel bad about it. It’s just the natural selection process at work. 

Think of it like trying on clothes. You took it in the dressing room because you liked it. But it doesn’t fit you right or the style doesn’t suit you.

So you try on something else. You aren’t rejecting the clothes!

You only have limited resources so you want to spend them on clothes that fit and flatter you and suit your style.

Now think of yourself as the clothes that may not have worked on that one person – BUT that someone else will love!

Would you ever want to be with someone who doesn’t love you back?

Ask yourself, would I ever want to be with someone who doesn’t want me back?

Obviously, the answer is no. It’s better to find out before you build something with someone.

If the person who has rejected you has been honest with you, then try to appreciate their honesty and just let people have their own opinions, which don’t involve you.

Here’s why rejection is so painful…

Back in hunter gatherer days when our brain evolved, rejection = loss of allies = possible exile from the tribe = starvation.

So we evolved to panic! But that’s probably not true for the majority of us going through rejection these days!

Your people will still care about you, your fridge will still have food and the sun will still rise in spite of whatever rejection your brain is currently having a conniption about.

Yes, your feelings are valid. Yes, you should feel them in all their marvellous, messy, painful glory.

But at some point we also need to give our prima donna brain/ego a stern talking to.

About what? About overreaction to essentially meaningless actions, taken by other people – for their own reasons!

Feel your feelings, but don’t dwell on them

As mentioned above, you should acknowledge your feelings in all their painful glory.

But eventually, it comes to a point where dwelling on the rejection becomes more of a pattern and an addiction than it is about feeling your feelings in order to be able to move on.

At some point when you’re ready, you just have to tell yourself to not give this “brake-pumper” anymore of your time, thoughts, or attention. Just because this guy doesn’t want a relationship with you, doesn’t mean that the right guy won’t!

Instead, focus on y-o-u.

Apparently this was one of those relationships for a season…and that’s okay. Move on.

The sea is full of guys who want to treat you right.

Hopefully soon you will realize God spared you and was actually looking out for your best interest.

What is Attunement & How it Helps You Meet “The One”

A lot of people ask: “what is attunement?”

The official definition of attunement is: “to bring into harmony. To make aware or responsive.”

A lot of people are talking about attunement in dating and how it’s helpful to use it with men to find the right man.

The real reason why attunement is valuable is that it allows you to connect and be in harmony with your own feelings as well as then being in attunement (as much as possible) with the man.

When you’re attuned, you get him. You understand where he’s coming from.

But before you attune to anyone else, you have to first be able to attune to yourself. If you don’t do that, then you can’t grow in awareness enough to attune to someone outside of you!

The rule is that if you want to connect with others, you have to first not abandon yourself. Attune to YOU first.

Here is a therapist’s view on the art of attunement and how it can help people transform.

What attunement for a woman looks like

Attunement is learning how your body and emotions respond to things.

Attunement is like when someone asks another how they knew they had found “The One” and they say “I just knew”. It’s learning to trust that inner knowing.

Attunement, first and foremost, has more to do with learning about yourself than it is about the guys. So say for example some guy flakes on your pre-planned date, and for some reason this “rubs” you the wrong way.

Attunement would have you know why it rubbed you the wrong way, and whether or not you’d care to pursue someone who makes you feel this way.

Knowing when someone rubs you the wrong way

There was a man I once knew and dated. The best way to sum him is a whole lot of thoughts saying: “he’s nice… but…”.

BUT. He hated my line of work and ridiculed my colleagues (he was a far leftist who was anti-law enforcement and I work in security).

Yet he’s always harping on people who eat meat (vegan). I was always feeling “but this and but that”.

And so I stopped and asked myself, did I want to be with someone who made me feel so…tuck or wrong?

The answer was no. So I cut him off, and I never looked back. And less than 2 months later, I found the love of my life.

Now obviously it’s not a formula, and it’s not a “use these three banter tricks and you’ll for sure find the man in a year” but they are tools for the woman who wants to learn to attune herself so that she can find ‘the one’.

Attune to yourself first, and attuning to another’s energy will become much easier.

Expect attunement to be messy at first

Another thing you should know about attunement…

It’s going to look messy and all over the place. You’re going to feel bad, because you will make mistakes along the way. You will find yourself in positions you haven’t been in before.

As you practice more, you will know when to do and say what.

When it comes to dating online and attuning yourself through text messages with men, as you practice bantering with them, you’ll learn.

You’ll makes mistakes, but you’ll learn when to relax a little and chat, and when to be more playful.

You’ll get to feel what the right thing to do is in the moment because of all this experience you built up through your everyday practice!

So. Keep going. Keep practicing attuning to your own feelings, rather than ignoring them.

Become more aware of how your body is responding to the things you do to it (or for it). Investigate how your body responds to men. And then, when you feel you’re ready, it’s then time to attune to where men are.

The rule is, the more attuned you are, the better you are able to reject toxic men, and invite in a healthy relationship with the right man. In other words, you’ll get closer to finding “the one”.

13 GOOD Reasons Why Young Men Are Interested in Older Women

Why are young men interested in older women?

Here’s a question a lot of women ask themselves: why are young men interested in older women? Are they genuinely interested? Or are they just stringing them along?

They are usually not stringing an older woman along. If a younger man is in an exclusive relationship with you, chances are that he is there for you, rather than being there for ulterior motives.

As lots of older women who have dated young guys have told me, of the guys they have dated who were younger…none of them were using them for anything.

If he is a good man, then he is dating you because he likes you and enjoys your company.

Here are 13 good reasons why men are interested in older women:

1: No drama.

Younger women tend to engage in more emotional drama, whereas older women have learned a bit more about what drama or issues are worth letting go of and what are worth holding on to.

This is the benefit of more experience and perhaps the feeling of having been worn down already by the unnecessary dramas in life, and therefore not wanting anything to do with it anymore.

Young women have a lot more time and energy for idle gossip and silly dramas. Older women might still engage in dramatizing at times, but in general, it’s a lot less.

2: Older women know where they are going in life.

They already know what they want in life and go for it. Due to this fact, it’s easier for a man to see his own value in this woman’s life. He knows where he stands and there’s no uncertainty as to whether this woman’s future career might lead her to choose the career over her man.

Instead, most older women’s careers are set in stone, and they’ve usually decided what they want to do and have gotten comfortable doing it.

3: They are more confident and secure.

Confidence is sexy. This confidence that comes from being older might be due to the fact that they are more experienced of course. Hence, they have a been there, done that attitude.

Last but not least, older women are more comfortable with their bodies and sexuality.

When women are young, they tend to get caught up in unnecessary social judgements and peer group pressures that add to their body image issues and self esteem issues.

Whereas, when a woman has aged a little, she has only got the really good friends left in her life. Usually the less bad friends and poo peer groups, the better, because better friends means more esteem and confidence for the older woman.

4: Older women are smart, well traveled and more knowledgeable.

When a woman is smarter and more well travelled, she has more to bring to the relationship, because she appreciates how people in different countries struggle. Of course, she’s seen how people in other countries do things differently and can afford to be less judgemental of everyone around her.

Of course, not every older woman is non judgemental. There are some very resentful, judgemental older women out there, but for most emotionally healthy older women who are well travelled, they’ve learned to appreciate different cultures and learned that there’s a lot more to the world than their own little universe.

5: Older women are more financially secure.

More financial security means that there is less financial burden on a man when and if they get married. That is only a bonus in a committed relationship!

6: Most older women have had their children

And the fact that they have had their children, often means that they have themselves all the way together without the assistance of a man!

Since many older women are often done having kids, men can feel less pressure to commit right away.

With this pressure taken off the need for commitment, men can relax in a relationship more and be themselves.

7: They know how to engage in self care.

For example, they are better at committing to self soothing, self reflecting, and taking responsibility or accountability for themselves.

8: As women get older, they laugh at themselves more.

Life isn’t so serious for them. When you’ve been around the block, you learn a thing or two about what’s really important in life. Only age can cement that into most people.

9: Older women carry themselves different to younger women.

Older women are generally more poised, less pressured by poor peer groups, and their bodies and their actions match their words better. They also play less games, since they don’t have the time for that.

10: There are less demands with older women.

They are calmer when it comes to relationships and since they tend to have fewer obsessive insecurities, they demand less attention and are less draining for a man.

This often equates to less clinging, because older women have more going on in their lives.

11: Better, deeper conversations

Since older women have more experience, men can have better quality conversations with them and older women tend to be more engaging conversationally.

12: They get what it really means to have a great time.

Older women have generally had to take on more responsibilities. As such, they can’t afford to use alcohol, social media or drugs to have a great time.

Instead, older women have often found their own ways to have a great time and in a more natural way. That may be through their own hobbies that they’ve developed outside of chasing a man, or it could just be through developing better friendships as time went on.

13: Older women have more sexual experience.

This is appealing for a man, because women with more sexual experience have gotten to know their bodies and what they like. This makes having sex with an older woman easier, and the man gets to feel more successful in the bedroom, since an older woman would be more confident in what they want.

Those were the 13 good reasons why younger men like (and choose) older women. Not every younger man chooses an older woman. After all, when two people are at completely different stages of life, it can get hard to maintain a relationship in the long-term.

However, as you can see from this list, there are many legitimate reasons why a man would find it appealing to not only date, but commit to an older woman!

Healing from old patterns & my breakup

100 days of moving on is my journey to healing after a repeated break up with one guy. I was afraid that the pain and self pity this situation caused me will dull the light inside me thus the birth of this personal project. So I went to writing to endure the daily pain of my situation and realized a lot of things. Some of it I’d like to share with you…

100 Days Are Over And I Wanted To Share With You My Thoughts About This Enriching Life Experience… 

There are some filthy words, just beware… I don’t usually censor my language with adults.

So what happened was, we’ve broken up, made up and got back together – happy for a day and feeling miserable for an entire month then the break ups came… this happened for many times only to end up and prove to my self that he is not the one… and maybe that was it for him too.

Maybe he put up a fight too to prove to himself that I am the one until he found a better, more compelling reason not to want to be with me anymore. Maybe he did love me… I’d like to believe that because I refuse to believe that he just used me, although that’s what I really feel about the whole routine. Or maybe that is the reality…  I am just one of the boxes he ticked off twice after the last break up. Another contribution to boost his ego. If it’s the latter, I’m more than happy to contribute to what he only have.

I didn’t know how to deal with a break up furthermore prepare for it. Before and after my husband, I didn’t have any other boyfriend… I dated, but I was so drunk to choose to be with this guy. This could be the reason why all of the break ups was challenging to me, it took me 8 months to move on and be okay after the second break up and when I got OK (as I thought), I realized I still haven’t gotten over him. This I found out because I still chose to be with him when he asked me back.

My fear then was that I might be passing on a guy with a potential. How silly! (until he ghosted me…)

A break up is painful enough and there may never be a subtle or less painful way to tell someone that you don’t like to be with them anymore. Sometimes, I genuinely thank his honesty… however honesty can be a cruel too. To be told that you are no longer attractive after wooing you to get back together is just baffling. First, that’s a shallow reason to be with someone and second, consider your fucking dirty face and cruel personality before telling someone that.

This last break up was difficult and I battled through it days and weeks just to be okay and productive at work and be present with my daughter. I can’t focus, just like before. But my recovery time was shorter. I already had an idea how it goes, perhaps that was the difference.

I was broken, cracked all over… but maybe it takes us to be broken to finally be enlightened.

100 days have passed and I am over those crying, loneliness and the questions of “why?” I have resolved to not finding an answer. Whatever his reasons maybe, whatever his motivations and intentions where, it will not make sense in my happy, beautiful and purposeful life now.

It wasn’t easy moving on. First, I have to face what break up made me feel and resolve those in myself…  and by myself. I felt I wasn’t attractive enough to make a guy stay, after all that was his main reason. I felt inadequate for the longest in my life. Second, I felt I don’t have the right to want a relationship because I need to focus on being a mom. He told me that too, his ill advice to his ex.

I have to spend time and effort to be able to jump through these hurdles of self doubt, lack of confidence through recovery. I read books, articles, open up to friends and even people I just met, spoke to relationship experts online and watched heaps of movies just to get through a day full of sorrow.

This might be just a break up to you, but there is more to this than just a boy breaking a girl’s heart. He said things, made guarantees and verbally abused me. Hmmm, isn’t this always the case why break ups are painful? And could this be the reason why even after a long time, just a mention of his name your heart pounds, not because you miss him or have not moved on but because you are reminded of the pain he caused?

I don’t know with the rest of the people in the world but when I get into a relationship – romantic, friendship,whatever – I make it a big deal in my life. My relationships are everything I have.

But this experience also made me more understanding towards other people who are going through some relationship issues. After having a first hand experience how it is to love and be dumped, I find that I can relate even better to these people. It is truly an enriching experience for me.

So What Did I Learn After 100 Days?

To be able to get through a break up, one must accept the fact that the relationship is over. But your life isn’t. So whether you’re ready or not, cut off all communications with your ex. If you have common friends you’re not really close with, it’s better to remove them from any social media too. What was said and done was said and done. No more apologies, no more long talks and giving clues on what each other feels. There’s just no use for that after what happened. We owe it to ourselves to let go and this is the first step.

When relationship ends, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to unlove the person, at least not immediately. Unloving is painful, and that makes break up extremely painful than how it already is so let yourself love your ex. One day, you’ll just not care about him like how you used to. The thing is I believe that love doesn’t die, nor fade because it’s in its ultimate and pure form that’s why it wont break – just like an atom. But loving or missing a person doesn’t mean you gotta be with them.

Be vulnerable. Allow yourself all the emotions you feel during this grieving period. Cry if you feel like releasing your anger, loneliness, longing into tears… go boxing or dance it away! If you don’t have space, go grab a sad movie to cry along with. When I was still in the relationship, I thought what I was doing was genuine vulnerability and showing this guy loyalty after all the times he broke my heart.

I now understand that I wasn’t… I was just weak and scared and I let him do the things and say the things he did to me just for him to stay with me. A bad bad compromise. Maybe I settled for that relationship because I wasn’t sure what I am worthy of… and what my worth is clearer to me now.

Liberate yourself by forgiving. I know this is a cliche but this is the very essence of moving on. Don’t allow yourself to be enslaved by the anger, resentment, self pity and what ifs by a person’s presence in your life who doesn’t contribute positive and rewarding emotions to you. This may take time, but you have to forgive somehow.

Other people told me that the reason why my heart still pounds is because I haven’t moved on yet. Maybe that’s true earlier in this process but I’ve found that this is not always the case. I believe, my heart pounds because I am reminded how badly he made me feel. In fact, Maya Angelou once said: I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Be grateful for what you have, right now, at this moment. Gratitude is the key to be happy on a daily basis. This is also what I did to see the good in my life day to day and not linger in what I don’t have. Can be difficult and maybe sad in few days when you start counting blessings because you will still be in a grieving mode, but you’ll get used to it and one day it’ll become a habit that will become natural to you.

Moving on is a choice. It is your choice to be better. I have been enslaved by negative emotions because I was in denial for quite sometime.. I don’t want the relationship to end because I have the energy and love to fight for it. But after learning that its not the kind of relationship I want for myself, I surrendered and took massive action to move on, let go and be happy.

Another cliche here, fall in love with yourself. The reason why it took me double the time to move on is because I loved him more that I loved myself. I forgot about my standards, I forgot my values, what I want in a relationship and I forgot about compromise. I let him make me feel bad about not being enough for him. This goes beyond physically falling inlove with yourself. It’s more about what you feel about yourself, being YOU in your core. I didn’t know what happened but I just kept on doing the things that made me feel productive.

Productivity makes me feel happy because it gives me the sense that I am effective in my purpose as a woman, as a person, as a momma. So aside from my regular work with David and Renee I got myself more involved with my daughter, my sister’s lives, my friends from different circles, I traveled, went shopping for heaps of clothes and even make ups (didn’t think I’ll develop appreciation for cosmetics), reconnected with old friends, became more active in learning new skills, attended yoga regularly, and organized some events that helped other people.

Not because one relationship didn’t work for you, doesn’t mean your future relationships won’t. The timing is just not right. I believe now, more than ever, to right timing. There’s a season for everything. As Bro Audee told me, “God wants you to be happy whether as a single mother or as a wife. There are seasons in our lives – planting, waiting, harvesting, and you have to determine what season you are in right now and start from there.” So I am both happily planting and waiting right now.

Take your time but layout a timeline. It takes time and you have to be patient, be patient with yourself, especially when you are still grieving. Different people cope differently so don’t take it personally when you open up to someone and they tell you “move on already”. I’ve been told this many times. I just want to mention this. They might be going through something too or maybe you really have to move on.

Have a vision of how you want to be the day you’ll say “I finally moved on”… Envision everything. How you dress,  how you look and how you feel about yourself, about the uncertain future, about your life at that moment most especially. I’d like to say that I love where I am now, with all the people I have in my life and the quality of my relationships with everyone – this makes my life truly rich.

Final Words…

Everything that happened in our lives has a purpose, and there’s a bigger picture which each moment would fit in. It may not make sense now, and kinda looks like failure but soon enough, when you’ve finally open up your heart to something better than what you were ready to settle for in your past relationship, things will start to get better for you. This is what I hope for myself too.

And having this experience in my life made me more understanding about relationships. Relationships end for many reasons and however we would want it to last forever, we can’t just tell. There are just things we can’t control, and love is not enough to make a man stay. And my ex was also someone like me, he was just looking for someone right in his life. That may not necessarily mean that we are wrong for each other. We just aren’t fit for each other. Although, I wanted to be that woman to support him, grow with him, I never felt that it was what he wanted.

And I know I should have listened to my gut the first time I noticed that, which was years ago. I wish him well and that I wish one day he will be happy whatever happiness means for him. I found my peace in not knowing what I am to him, what our relationship was for him – serious, a game whatever; in some aspect in life ignorance is a bliss.

What is important for me right now is what I feel about myself. Having that certainty of where I want to end up at, knowing the feeling and emotion I am swarching for with a man, gives me hope that soon or one day I’ll have it. I have finally put an end to hoping that there can be a future for me and my ex, not even in another life or universe. This experience also made me realize that there are so many men out there who are looking for the kind of woman that I am. There is hope. And I am not bitter about being single. Renee told me, “You may not have a man right now and that is okay. And that may take time before you meet that man and that is OKAY.”

My future is not certain. I don’t want it to be too. Because the moment I know what is waiting for me there, or who is waiting for me there, I won’t be getting up in bed and just sleep through the future.  Again, my future is uncertain. And I don’t know whether I’ll meet that man tomorrow or not ever. I don’t know this now. And I don’t want to know yet… I’ll let it unfold in the RIGHT TIME and I’ll be LIVING OPENLY now…

Honestly, I’m sure that there is that desire in me to build a family of my own – Aianah, me and her step father/my husband. Imagining how great he is gonna be excites me but I feel that this isn’t the time yet. There are a lot more things I want to happen in my life and I really enjoy the freedom and vast possibilities that I have now, in this moment now, with the people I love. When that day comes though, I know that I will only have so much love for him… and we’ll have our own version of happy ever after.

If you are going through a challenging break up, don’t linger too long. Put effort and work to reach whatever goal you have in getting better. It is not easy and I definitely understand what you feel at this moment. That will pass though, just let the light in and you shall be okay. Know your worth, and you are worthy of love not less than the love you give yourself.

We don’t have control in how people will treat us but we alone have the power to alter the situation and make it work to our own advantage.

In our journey in finding our lifetime partner, we will find what we like and what we don’t like. Heartbreaks are necessary for us to learn and become an even more beautiful person. Don’t let pain ruin the light in you… embrace it because pain adds depth in a person’s character.