How To Be Feminine AND High Value in 3 Simple Steps

I have noticed that a lot of women seem to focus a lot on the man when dating. It’s understandable, especially when you are anxious.

Things like what does it mean when he does/says/feels x,y, z? What should I do to get him to do this? If I say this or do this, will that get me this? How can I get out of the friend zone with him? How can I get him to chase me?

I understand that there is a constant struggle of feeling like you’re not getting what you want, but is that really the purpose of even trying to be high value?

I posit that it is not.

how to be feminine high value

Instead, being high value should be an authentic and consistent effort to build your own intrinsic value as a woman. That way, everything you do carries an air of authenticity to it.

If you need to state your boundaries, it is because they are your boundaries.

If you need to be vulnerable, it is because you are a woman, and vulnerability is our strength and most feminine trait.

If you ‘lean back’ it should be because you need the space to focus.

NOT because any of that will manipulate a man into thinking you’re the woman of his dreams, or that it will suddenly turn him to the man of yours. That sort of thinking is inherently low-value, disguised as character building.

I think that the ultimate goal in pursuing our feminine nature is so that we could be the best version of ourselves: radiant, inviting, engaging and free. it is this AUTHENTICITY that will draw the right man in. it is the ENERGY that engages the world around you. It is this INNER confidence that will ultimately drive the decisions.

The questions we should be asking ourselves are aren’t about waiting to text him, wearing the cute dresses. It’s about your intention.

Are your actions a conscious and aware effort to become more connected with your wants and to grow your femininity and build your character from within? Or is it an effort to hoard someone else’s energy in an effort to feel good/justified/validated/seen/heard/etc?

Humans can feel and respond to your energy and your intention. They can tell when you’re being disingenuous.

Becoming high value is about being and presenting the most ‘you’ version of yourself. You do that by simply consciously adding to your value every single day. If you lose sight of that, it doesn’t matter what you do, the results will never change.

So How do you become feminine and high value?

Make a point every day to add to your intrinsic value as a woman. Here are some ideas:

1: Make a vegetable juice instead of watching tv shows.

2: Understand him and his perspective, instead of trying to GET him to do this and that so you can feel better.

3: Find ways to deepen the connection with men. You can use your vulnerability, or you can use playful banter. Regarding banter, here’s an article on how to get good at that.

13 GOOD Reasons Why Young Men Are Interested in Older Women

Why are young men interested in older women?

Here’s a question a lot of women ask themselves: why are young men interested in older women? Are they genuinely interested? Or are they just stringing them along?

They are usually not stringing an older woman along. If a younger man is in an exclusive relationship with you, chances are that he is there for you, rather than being there for ulterior motives.

As lots of older women who have dated young guys have told me, of the guys they have dated who were younger…none of them were using them for anything.

If he is a good man, then he is dating you because he likes you and enjoys your company.

Here are 13 good reasons why men are interested in older women:

1: No drama.

Younger women tend to engage in more emotional drama, whereas older women have learned a bit more about what drama or issues are worth letting go of and what are worth holding on to.

This is the benefit of more experience and perhaps the feeling of having been worn down already by the unnecessary dramas in life, and therefore not wanting anything to do with it anymore.

Young women have a lot more time and energy for idle gossip and silly dramas. Older women might still engage in dramatizing at times, but in general, it’s a lot less.

2: Older women know where they are going in life.

They already know what they want in life and go for it. Due to this fact, it’s easier for a man to see his own value in this woman’s life. He knows where he stands and there’s no uncertainty as to whether this woman’s future career might lead her to choose the career over her man.

Instead, most older women’s careers are set in stone, and they’ve usually decided what they want to do and have gotten comfortable doing it.

3: They are more confident and secure.

Confidence is sexy. This confidence that comes from being older might be due to the fact that they are more experienced of course. Hence, they have a been there, done that attitude.

Last but not least, older women are more comfortable with their bodies and sexuality.

When women are young, they tend to get caught up in unnecessary social judgements and peer group pressures that add to their body image issues and self esteem issues.

Whereas, when a woman has aged a little, she has only got the really good friends left in her life. Usually the less bad friends and poo peer groups, the better, because better friends means more esteem and confidence for the older woman.

4: Older women are smart, well traveled and more knowledgeable.

When a woman is smarter and more well travelled, she has more to bring to the relationship, because she appreciates how people in different countries struggle. Of course, she’s seen how people in other countries do things differently and can afford to be less judgemental of everyone around her.

Of course, not every older woman is non judgemental. There are some very resentful, judgemental older women out there, but for most emotionally healthy older women who are well travelled, they’ve learned to appreciate different cultures and learned that there’s a lot more to the world than their own little universe.

5: Older women are more financially secure.

More financial security means that there is less financial burden on a man when and if they get married. That is only a bonus in a committed relationship!

6: Most older women have had their children

And the fact that they have had their children, often means that they have themselves all the way together without the assistance of a man!

Since many older women are often done having kids, men can feel less pressure to commit right away.

With this pressure taken off the need for commitment, men can relax in a relationship more and be themselves.

7: They know how to engage in self care.

For example, they are better at committing to self soothing, self reflecting, and taking responsibility or accountability for themselves.

8: As women get older, they laugh at themselves more.

Life isn’t so serious for them. When you’ve been around the block, you learn a thing or two about what’s really important in life. Only age can cement that into most people.

9: Older women carry themselves different to younger women.

Older women are generally more poised, less pressured by poor peer groups, and their bodies and their actions match their words better. They also play less games, since they don’t have the time for that.

10: There are less demands with older women.

They are calmer when it comes to relationships and since they tend to have fewer obsessive insecurities, they demand less attention and are less draining for a man.

This often equates to less clinging, because older women have more going on in their lives.

11: Better, deeper conversations

Since older women have more experience, men can have better quality conversations with them and older women tend to be more engaging conversationally.

12: They get what it really means to have a great time.

Older women have generally had to take on more responsibilities. As such, they can’t afford to use alcohol, social media or drugs to have a great time.

Instead, older women have often found their own ways to have a great time and in a more natural way. That may be through their own hobbies that they’ve developed outside of chasing a man, or it could just be through developing better friendships as time went on.

13: Older women have more sexual experience.

This is appealing for a man, because women with more sexual experience have gotten to know their bodies and what they like. This makes having sex with an older woman easier, and the man gets to feel more successful in the bedroom, since an older woman would be more confident in what they want.

Those were the 13 good reasons why younger men like (and choose) older women. Not every younger man chooses an older woman. After all, when two people are at completely different stages of life, it can get hard to maintain a relationship in the long-term.

However, as you can see from this list, there are many legitimate reasons why a man would find it appealing to not only date, but commit to an older woman!

3 Rules to Follow If You Want to Find A Commitment Oriented Man Online

3 Rules to Follow If You Want to Find A Commitment Oriented Man Online

A lot of women ask me the question: are men all just completely commitment-phobic?

Are there ANY men who will commit to me anymore? If there are, how do I find them?

And more recently, a lot of women are saying that due to the coronavirus pandemic, lots of men online seem to be even more commitment-phobic than before.

First of all, to answer that question, remember that online dating is an ocean.

However even during a global pandemic, there are and will always be plenty of men ready for commitment!

When dating online or in general (but especially when dating online), whether you will find a man who can commit to you emotionally is all about your personal mindset and approach!

If you trust and believe there are men out there who are willing to commit (there are plenty!), you will see that and find that. If you choose to believe the opposite, then you will find that!

It all depends on what you choose to see and believe in! Most men, just like most women crave that connection, that’s why focusing on “don’t wants” early on in dating and when getting to know someone actually works against you because it kills the vibe!

Here are 3 things you must do if you want to find a commitment ready man online

Make a point to follow these 3 simple rules!

1: Focus on setting a standard of how your dream relationship looks, and settle for nothing less.

2: Maintain healthy boundaries with every man you meet and date.

3: Be open to know the person standing in front if you!

Of course there will be some men who are looking to prey on women, but that’s why you have to be very observant of men’s behaviour and not only focus on what they say.

Any man can promise you the commitment you’re searching for, but consistency in actions over time is the key. Remember that players don’t have time for consistency in their actions!

And always remember….there are people getting married and committing to each other for life, every. Single. Day.

Regardless of what country or city you live in, I am 100% sure that if you go to city hall and/or church to check their marriage registers, they have a whole bunch of people committing to each other on a regular basis!

Limiting beliefs or scarcity mindset in dating will not help you if you truly want to find a commitment ready man.

Remember that there is one thing that will stop you from finding a man to commit to you emotionally, and that is that the energy that we radiate matters. A lot.

A lot of women are so eager to dive back into dating while still unhealed from previous dating experiences which will mostly end in the same pattern as before.

In other words, they’ll attract and encounter that same experience, jut with a different man!

It is easy to become a bit frustrated when dating, especially online dating – which requires a lot of patience to swim in that ocean of options.

However, just because is not happening to you right this moment, doesn’t mean that commitment-minded men don’t exist or that a great, committed relationship will never happen to you in the future!


Keep your mind and heart open, look for examples of commitment in the world around you, and stick to the three rules for finding a commitment friendly man online.

Healing from old patterns & my breakup

100 days of moving on is my journey to healing after a repeated break up with one guy. I was afraid that the pain and self pity this situation caused me will dull the light inside me thus the birth of this personal project. So I went to writing to endure the daily pain of my situation and realized a lot of things. Some of it I’d like to share with you…

100 Days Are Over And I Wanted To Share With You My Thoughts About This Enriching Life Experience… 

There are some filthy words, just beware… I don’t usually censor my language with adults.

So what happened was, we’ve broken up, made up and got back together – happy for a day and feeling miserable for an entire month then the break ups came… this happened for many times only to end up and prove to my self that he is not the one… and maybe that was it for him too.

Maybe he put up a fight too to prove to himself that I am the one until he found a better, more compelling reason not to want to be with me anymore. Maybe he did love me… I’d like to believe that because I refuse to believe that he just used me, although that’s what I really feel about the whole routine. Or maybe that is the reality…  I am just one of the boxes he ticked off twice after the last break up. Another contribution to boost his ego. If it’s the latter, I’m more than happy to contribute to what he only have.

I didn’t know how to deal with a break up furthermore prepare for it. Before and after my husband, I didn’t have any other boyfriend… I dated, but I was so drunk to choose to be with this guy. This could be the reason why all of the break ups was challenging to me, it took me 8 months to move on and be okay after the second break up and when I got OK (as I thought), I realized I still haven’t gotten over him. This I found out because I still chose to be with him when he asked me back.

My fear then was that I might be passing on a guy with a potential. How silly! (until he ghosted me…)

A break up is painful enough and there may never be a subtle or less painful way to tell someone that you don’t like to be with them anymore. Sometimes, I genuinely thank his honesty… however honesty can be a cruel too. To be told that you are no longer attractive after wooing you to get back together is just baffling. First, that’s a shallow reason to be with someone and second, consider your fucking dirty face and cruel personality before telling someone that.

This last break up was difficult and I battled through it days and weeks just to be okay and productive at work and be present with my daughter. I can’t focus, just like before. But my recovery time was shorter. I already had an idea how it goes, perhaps that was the difference.

I was broken, cracked all over… but maybe it takes us to be broken to finally be enlightened.

100 days have passed and I am over those crying, loneliness and the questions of “why?” I have resolved to not finding an answer. Whatever his reasons maybe, whatever his motivations and intentions where, it will not make sense in my happy, beautiful and purposeful life now.

It wasn’t easy moving on. First, I have to face what break up made me feel and resolve those in myself…  and by myself. I felt I wasn’t attractive enough to make a guy stay, after all that was his main reason. I felt inadequate for the longest in my life. Second, I felt I don’t have the right to want a relationship because I need to focus on being a mom. He told me that too, his ill advice to his ex.

I have to spend time and effort to be able to jump through these hurdles of self doubt, lack of confidence through recovery. I read books, articles, open up to friends and even people I just met, spoke to relationship experts online and watched heaps of movies just to get through a day full of sorrow.

This might be just a break up to you, but there is more to this than just a boy breaking a girl’s heart. He said things, made guarantees and verbally abused me. Hmmm, isn’t this always the case why break ups are painful? And could this be the reason why even after a long time, just a mention of his name your heart pounds, not because you miss him or have not moved on but because you are reminded of the pain he caused?

I don’t know with the rest of the people in the world but when I get into a relationship – romantic, friendship,whatever – I make it a big deal in my life. My relationships are everything I have.

But this experience also made me more understanding towards other people who are going through some relationship issues. After having a first hand experience how it is to love and be dumped, I find that I can relate even better to these people. It is truly an enriching experience for me.

So What Did I Learn After 100 Days?

To be able to get through a break up, one must accept the fact that the relationship is over. But your life isn’t. So whether you’re ready or not, cut off all communications with your ex. If you have common friends you’re not really close with, it’s better to remove them from any social media too. What was said and done was said and done. No more apologies, no more long talks and giving clues on what each other feels. There’s just no use for that after what happened. We owe it to ourselves to let go and this is the first step.

When relationship ends, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to unlove the person, at least not immediately. Unloving is painful, and that makes break up extremely painful than how it already is so let yourself love your ex. One day, you’ll just not care about him like how you used to. The thing is I believe that love doesn’t die, nor fade because it’s in its ultimate and pure form that’s why it wont break – just like an atom. But loving or missing a person doesn’t mean you gotta be with them.

Be vulnerable. Allow yourself all the emotions you feel during this grieving period. Cry if you feel like releasing your anger, loneliness, longing into tears… go boxing or dance it away! If you don’t have space, go grab a sad movie to cry along with. When I was still in the relationship, I thought what I was doing was genuine vulnerability and showing this guy loyalty after all the times he broke my heart.

I now understand that I wasn’t… I was just weak and scared and I let him do the things and say the things he did to me just for him to stay with me. A bad bad compromise. Maybe I settled for that relationship because I wasn’t sure what I am worthy of… and what my worth is clearer to me now.

Liberate yourself by forgiving. I know this is a cliche but this is the very essence of moving on. Don’t allow yourself to be enslaved by the anger, resentment, self pity and what ifs by a person’s presence in your life who doesn’t contribute positive and rewarding emotions to you. This may take time, but you have to forgive somehow.

Other people told me that the reason why my heart still pounds is because I haven’t moved on yet. Maybe that’s true earlier in this process but I’ve found that this is not always the case. I believe, my heart pounds because I am reminded how badly he made me feel. In fact, Maya Angelou once said: I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Be grateful for what you have, right now, at this moment. Gratitude is the key to be happy on a daily basis. This is also what I did to see the good in my life day to day and not linger in what I don’t have. Can be difficult and maybe sad in few days when you start counting blessings because you will still be in a grieving mode, but you’ll get used to it and one day it’ll become a habit that will become natural to you.

Moving on is a choice. It is your choice to be better. I have been enslaved by negative emotions because I was in denial for quite sometime.. I don’t want the relationship to end because I have the energy and love to fight for it. But after learning that its not the kind of relationship I want for myself, I surrendered and took massive action to move on, let go and be happy.

Another cliche here, fall in love with yourself. The reason why it took me double the time to move on is because I loved him more that I loved myself. I forgot about my standards, I forgot my values, what I want in a relationship and I forgot about compromise. I let him make me feel bad about not being enough for him. This goes beyond physically falling inlove with yourself. It’s more about what you feel about yourself, being YOU in your core. I didn’t know what happened but I just kept on doing the things that made me feel productive.

Productivity makes me feel happy because it gives me the sense that I am effective in my purpose as a woman, as a person, as a momma. So aside from my regular work with David and Renee I got myself more involved with my daughter, my sister’s lives, my friends from different circles, I traveled, went shopping for heaps of clothes and even make ups (didn’t think I’ll develop appreciation for cosmetics), reconnected with old friends, became more active in learning new skills, attended yoga regularly, and organized some events that helped other people.

Not because one relationship didn’t work for you, doesn’t mean your future relationships won’t. The timing is just not right. I believe now, more than ever, to right timing. There’s a season for everything. As Bro Audee told me, “God wants you to be happy whether as a single mother or as a wife. There are seasons in our lives – planting, waiting, harvesting, and you have to determine what season you are in right now and start from there.” So I am both happily planting and waiting right now.

Take your time but layout a timeline. It takes time and you have to be patient, be patient with yourself, especially when you are still grieving. Different people cope differently so don’t take it personally when you open up to someone and they tell you “move on already”. I’ve been told this many times. I just want to mention this. They might be going through something too or maybe you really have to move on.

Have a vision of how you want to be the day you’ll say “I finally moved on”… Envision everything. How you dress,  how you look and how you feel about yourself, about the uncertain future, about your life at that moment most especially. I’d like to say that I love where I am now, with all the people I have in my life and the quality of my relationships with everyone – this makes my life truly rich.

Final Words…

Everything that happened in our lives has a purpose, and there’s a bigger picture which each moment would fit in. It may not make sense now, and kinda looks like failure but soon enough, when you’ve finally open up your heart to something better than what you were ready to settle for in your past relationship, things will start to get better for you. This is what I hope for myself too.

And having this experience in my life made me more understanding about relationships. Relationships end for many reasons and however we would want it to last forever, we can’t just tell. There are just things we can’t control, and love is not enough to make a man stay. And my ex was also someone like me, he was just looking for someone right in his life. That may not necessarily mean that we are wrong for each other. We just aren’t fit for each other. Although, I wanted to be that woman to support him, grow with him, I never felt that it was what he wanted.

And I know I should have listened to my gut the first time I noticed that, which was years ago. I wish him well and that I wish one day he will be happy whatever happiness means for him. I found my peace in not knowing what I am to him, what our relationship was for him – serious, a game whatever; in some aspect in life ignorance is a bliss.

What is important for me right now is what I feel about myself. Having that certainty of where I want to end up at, knowing the feeling and emotion I am swarching for with a man, gives me hope that soon or one day I’ll have it. I have finally put an end to hoping that there can be a future for me and my ex, not even in another life or universe. This experience also made me realize that there are so many men out there who are looking for the kind of woman that I am. There is hope. And I am not bitter about being single. Renee told me, “You may not have a man right now and that is okay. And that may take time before you meet that man and that is OKAY.”

My future is not certain. I don’t want it to be too. Because the moment I know what is waiting for me there, or who is waiting for me there, I won’t be getting up in bed and just sleep through the future.  Again, my future is uncertain. And I don’t know whether I’ll meet that man tomorrow or not ever. I don’t know this now. And I don’t want to know yet… I’ll let it unfold in the RIGHT TIME and I’ll be LIVING OPENLY now…

Honestly, I’m sure that there is that desire in me to build a family of my own – Aianah, me and her step father/my husband. Imagining how great he is gonna be excites me but I feel that this isn’t the time yet. There are a lot more things I want to happen in my life and I really enjoy the freedom and vast possibilities that I have now, in this moment now, with the people I love. When that day comes though, I know that I will only have so much love for him… and we’ll have our own version of happy ever after.

If you are going through a challenging break up, don’t linger too long. Put effort and work to reach whatever goal you have in getting better. It is not easy and I definitely understand what you feel at this moment. That will pass though, just let the light in and you shall be okay. Know your worth, and you are worthy of love not less than the love you give yourself.

We don’t have control in how people will treat us but we alone have the power to alter the situation and make it work to our own advantage.

In our journey in finding our lifetime partner, we will find what we like and what we don’t like. Heartbreaks are necessary for us to learn and become an even more beautiful person. Don’t let pain ruin the light in you… embrace it because pain adds depth in a person’s character.

Can Chemistry Between a Man and a Woman Grow?

Can Chemistry Between a Man and a Woman Grow?

A lot of women ask the question “can chemistry grow if it isn’t there to begin with?”

They often lament that a guy has treated them nicely and they like him, but after couple of dates they are not sure whether there can be any chemistry between them.

They say that the guy likes them a lot, so there is hope there, but they feel a lot less than the man does for them.

The truth is that it is not often that you meet a guy who is kind and is a gentleman, so if you do meet one, you should try to appreciate it.

But despite trying to appreciate it, what if the downside is that he is not a good kisser and the chemistry is non existent?

The question is, can this change and grow, and can you create chemistry?

Some women make the mistake of judging a lack of chemistry on the way a man kisses, for example. However, this can be changed with time. Some men just aren’t as experienced in that department.

Chemistry can be created

Here’s the short of it: chemistry can be created.

People often mistake chaotic chemistry for real chemistry. This is probably because chaotic chemistry can be arousing. And if the arousal isn’t there, they are stumped.

Kissing can be taught. That requires communication, patience and willingness.

Nice and kind are the greatest aspects of a person.

The smart thing to do, rather than just blowing off a perfectly nice guy, is to give it a chance, a little while longer. Give both of you time to get to know one another.

Find out: can you get along? Can you attune to each other? Do you value the same things?

Instead of focusing heavily on sexual or immediate chemistry, focus on the men with whom you can grow together. These are the ones women should consider, instead of getting hung up on having these crazy type of relationships that make you feel high on dopamine all the time, but in the end can actually make you feel drained.

Have fun with it. And consider yourself lucky to have found a man who is kind, rather than toxic. That is not so easy in this day and age where people are more confused, misdirected and unsure than ever.

As long as you aren’t turned off by a man, chemistry can really grow through the connection that you have with each other.

You Can Guide a Guy to Become A Good Kisser

Here’s a piece of advice for the high value ladies who feel like they re dating a nice guy, but don’t like his kissing.

Take his head in your hands and ask him if it’s ok for you to show him how you like to be kissed.

Tell him to relax and follow your lead. You can turn a bad kisser into a good kisser that way.

If you put your hands gently and guide a man that way, there’s no pressure, no “talk” about it that could make him put his defenses up and feel more anxiety, it’s just an opportunity to engage in a great kiss with you!

Remember, kissing is something that a man can learn reasonably quickly with the right guidance, but being kind and respectful towards a woman is a lot longer a process (if not impossible) if they already have a lot of trauma or are simply a narcissist.

In conclusion, it is much better to rely on building chemistry with a good man than it is to rely on having chaotic, sometimes draining chemistry with a toxic man! Here’s an article on 7 factors which reveal chemistry between people.

How To Know If a Guy is Dating Safely During Covid?

How can you suss out if a guy on bumble is being safe and responsible with Covid before meeting him?

It’s a good question. Everyone is different regarding how they feel during the cover 19 pandemic, however you may not want to meet him if he has been in close contact with lots of other people, or worse, doesn’t take the virus seriously.

It’s definitely risky getting to know new men online in this era of cover, as you don’t know their history. You also cannot trust a stranger to tell you the truth about their behaviour. Also, any man you potentially meet may harbour a different idea of what it means to “be careful”. Their idea of being careful could be very different from yours. If you’re going to date, just remember that there will be a risk.

Here’s something to think about. If he’s willing to meet up with you 99% of the time he’s meeting others.

Treat Everyone As If They Have The Virus

So how do you approach dating men? Yo can start by treating everyone as if they have the virus.

Don’t just listen to claims like “I’ve been lockdown and not meeting with anyone” or “I’ve been tested” etc.

If you’re going to meet up with anyone at all during this time, follow social distancing and mask rules as they recommend for people outside your household. Wear your mask and practice physical distancing.

This of course, doesn’t take away from your responsibility to find out as much about the way he’s approaching the virus as possible.

Spend a little time getting to know him and ask what he has been up to. Ask yourself if you are comfortable if he has been out socializing but not kissing people?

Listen to how each man has been spending his time and go from there.

Find Out If He’s Willing to Get Tested

Another important thing to remember is to ask a man if he’s willing to get tested or not. And while waiting for the results, perhaps you can do a video chat. Lots of women have been getting lots of video dates using the concept of high value banter during the time of coven. You can try it to.

After you’ve “met” a man on video or virtually, discuss the topic of cover with him.

Ask him how he’s approaching dating – or seeing his friends – under the current circumstances. It will quickly become apparent if he is not the type of guy to take covid 19 seriously.

Of course, whether or not you continue dating a man who doesn’t take the virus seriously is entirely up to you.

What’s also important to remember is that there’s not much difference between meeting you and anyone else. The risk to both of you of catching the virus is the same.

Remember That Many People Will Be Asymptomatic

Remember that many people are asymptomatic. Again, treat everyone as if they have the virus. The distinction is in whether they are willing to go out and get tested or not.

If and when you get to the point of meeting this man in person, continue to meet under social distancing guidelines.

Here’s an idea for where and how you can have a first in person date with a man: you can meet on a terrace or in a park where you can be spaced properly and not have to do contact tracing with every new acquaintance.

And here’s some further information on how to protect yourself and others from the virus.

Is it bad if I am 40 and have never been in a real long term relationship?

It is a rare occurrence, but sometimes a woman comes to her 4th decade and realizes that she hasn’t been in a serious, healthy long term relationship.

Not only that, sometimes she realizes that she has never really fallen in love and stayed in love.

What we will try to answer in this post is the following question: “is it bad to have never been in a long term relationship by the time you’re 40, and will that stop you from finding someone?”

Here is some food for thought for you to move forward if you are in this situation.

Looking at it from a certain perspective, it can be concerning to be 40 and have never been in a relationship.

Your emotional maturity in love may have been stunted

By that point in life, most people have already experienced emotional markers and connections that come from a place of actually being in love, and being in some kind of semi or real long term relationship.

If and when that emotional maturity has been stunted, you really have to relearn what you think you know about bonding with another human and move more consciously and don’t just go by your heart.

As someone who had a late start to dating, I can understand anyone who is in a position such as this.

I never dated in high school, I had a very strict upbringing. So I never have the opportunity to learn how to interact with guys like all my teenage peers. By the time I grew out of my teens, I had no idea what it meant to interact with a grown man (even though lots of them aren’t exactly “grown”)

I didn’t actually start dating until I was 22. At that time, I was innocent and naive in my ideals about love and relationships.

Men who gravitated towards me were men who were older and kind of took advantage of my naivety. So I had to learn hard and fast about the reality of the dating world. It’s not always nice.

3 Thing I recommend you do to get starting in dating and find genuine connection

Here are three things I recommend that you do in order to set yourself up with the right foundation to start dating and finding genuine connection with a man.

Step 1: Face your own inner issues around connection and bonding that allows you to get your head out of the clouds and be more grounded in your approach to men.

If you feel stuck in the perpetually single zone, it can we a wise idea to seek some therapy. There’s nothing wrong with that.

There may be some deep seated issues and reasons why you are where you are at that you may not have ever explored (but should have). The kind of issues and things that have gotten you where you are now.

And until you start dealing with and healing from those, the ability to really connect with a man will continue to be hampered.

Step 2: Drop any prince charming ideals of what you THINK your perfect guy should be.

Realize that your relative inexperience may have lead you to create unrealistic fantasies about how a man should be (these are usually fantasies that men could never fulfill, because every human is imperfect).

Step 3: Turn inward and learn to deeply know yourself as a woman.

Be comfortable with yourself, your capacity to love, know that you deserve to BE loved, and really connect with your sensuality and sexuality as a woman.

Not only that, know that these things about you are sacred. When you know how sacred they are, you may realize that you should only engage with men who fully respect that.

Hold off on casual sex…

If you have had any sexual relationships by this point outside of having a serious relationship, you should probably hold off on any casual sex until you truly feel you connect with a man emotionally. It makes a difference when you learn to have sexual encounters from a place of love vs just lust.

If you are in this situation yourself, if you are 40 or even in your mid to late 30s and have never been in a secure long term relationship, then perhaps these points are something to think about.

Being older is not the real problem. The problem lies in your ability to connect. If you can’t connect properly, or if you connect from a dysfunctional place, then it’s going to be hard to find yourself falling in love. Of course, it may also be hard to make a man fall in love with you, too.

If you are interested, here’s an article on the signs a man is falling in love. It may help you in the future to distinguish between a man who is just interested, rather than a man who is truly emotionally bonding with you.